Holidays and Holy days can be very difficult times of the year for people who are grieving. During the year, there are times when family and loved ones get together to celebrate. These times normally are supposed to be happy times. How do you cope with these occasions when you are grieving?

Researchers are finding out something most have known all along: We don’t have to break our bond totally with the deceased to move on with life. Some cultures have rituals and customs that include people who have died in their ongoing lives. In our western culture, we lack such customs and traditions.

A Holiday or a Holy day is a good time to think about incorporating into future traditions a loved one who is no longer with you. There are options that can help bring some sense of control back into your life once you have lost someone.

Holidays and Holy days are steeped with traditions and rituals. There are so many things that can trigger memories and pain. The coping might be easier if we start thinking about the actual holiday/holy day before it arrives. Even talking about it with friends and family who normally join you during the festivities can help everyone before the day arrives. As you are thinking about the event, remember to talk about subjects that hold special meaning, such as music, smells (like cookies baking), ceremonies and particular objects. If you know ahead of time what to expect, there will be less chance of your being caught off guard by a memory loss. When you and your loved ones think differently about the person who is gone, pain related to the occasion will be eased.

Give yourself permission to look at family rituals and traditions, as you are reviewing the upcoming holiday season. It is okay to let some traditions go and allow new ones to enter into your life. For example, you don’t necessarily have to make all the traditional foods you normally would have made. Maybe this year you will make only one half of the traditional fare and choose a few new recipes to add to the dinner table.

Here are some rituals that might interest you.

1. Light a candle: A candle is a wonderful way to honor the spirit of a loved one. Candles can be placed in a window or by a special chair and lit every night. The flame from the candle can be symbolic of love continuing.
2. Plant a tree: Trees are ever growing. They can be a reminder of life cycles from year to year. Trees are an outward expression of inward growth. Some people like to place a tree in their yard or in a favorite place their loved one liked to visit.
3. Make a memory box: Take a shoe box or another small box. Decorate it with items that hold memories. Inside the box put things that remind you of your loved one. You might want to add a little note explaining why a certain item is so special. Keep the memory box for yourself, or pass it on to a person who might appreciate it.
4. Have a special chair with a flower upon it remain empty to symbolize your loved one’s continuing presence at your events.

Take care of yourself!

Taking care of yourself during the Holiday and Holy seasons is extremely important. Grieving takes strength and energy. The Holidays take considerable energy. Put both together and you have the potential of being exhausted and even sick by the time the celebrations are over. It’s important to:

1. Slow down! You do not have to go to every celebration, every office party, every family event; and you definitely do not have to accomplish every single item that is normally on your holiday “to do” list. Why not look over your gift list and give everyone gift certificates instead of presents this year? You might want to consider how you can give differently, or instead of giving gifts to friends and relatives, you might donate to a cause that your loved one supported.
2. Repeat the word No! Some people struggle with saying, “No, I am sorry I just can’t do the party,”–or the dinner, or whatever—“this year.” People will understand if you are not able to attend every function or event. If people are not listening when you say “No”, be honest with them. Tell them it is just too hard this year after your loss.
3. Be specific about your wants and needs. Grieving, at least in the United States, leaves friends and family not knowing how to help the grieving person. People get worried that if they ask you about the death, or ask what you need, you might fall apart. Unfortunately, it therefore falls upon you, the one grieving, to state your needs and wants.
4. Eat, sleep and drink! Even if you do not want to eat and keep your liquid intake high, it is critical that you do so. It is important to keep up your strength while you are grieving. If you are having trouble sleeping, talk to your doctor. Keeping your body healthy will also help you to keep your mind healthy and strong while you grieve.
5. Remember to cry. Crying is a natural outlet of grief. Don’t try to hold back the tears. Let the tears flow–even if you are in the grocery store, at a holiday party, or visiting a friend.

After a loss, Holidays and Holy days do not have to be miserable times of the year. They can be times when the lives of your deceased loved ones are honored. When you are ready, start to change how you include deceased loved ones in old and new traditions.

Kelly Baltzell is President of Beyond Indigo, one of the premiere websites for grief support information. Offline, Kelly writes the popular Healing Help brochures for Messenger, a monthly column titled Ask Kelly for YBNews, and periodical pieces published in The Director, Caregiving Today and Thanos.

Visit Beyond Indigo online at: www.beyondindigo.com.

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This entry was posted on Friday, December 22nd, 2006 at 8:22 am and is filed under